


It's Not Supposed to Be Easy

by orphan_account



Series: Healed Wounds and Shattered Feelings [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Comfort, Depression, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mild Smut, Self-Harm, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 16:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4967773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael remembers when Cal had pulled away from Michael's hug, looking at him timidly before brushing their lips together softly, and it wasn't weird or gross or scary like Michael had always thought that kissing a boy would be. He remembered thinking that it was because he was kissing Calum, and how it had never, ever been weird with Calum because they loved each other. To Michael, Calum was home.</p>
<p>Or: Michael’s sad and broken and Calum is trying so, so hard to keep him together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Supposed to Be Easy

Michael remembers how, growing up, things were great. He had a cool blue and green lava lamp and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles poster in his bedroom, and his mum would always have cookies waiting for him on the table when he got home for primary school. He remembers how he'd cuddle on the couch before his bedtime with his parents, and how his mum would run her fingers through his fluffy blond hair and his dad would carry him up to bed when he pretended to fall asleep. He remembers being _happy_.

And Michael remembers how, in seemingly slow motion, things started getting less great. In fact, they started getting _bad_.

Michael remembers how his parents started fighting more and more, and how they were different from the little squabbles that they used to have over things like dinner or who would drive Michael to his football practices (Michael remembers _hating_ football, but he played it for three years because his mum was always so _happy_ watching his games). Michael remembers how his dad would start leaving after dinner and not coming back until late, when Michael was supposed to be asleep. Michael remembers how his mom seemed so _tir_ _ed_ all the time. He remembers wishing that they still cuddled in the evenings, but his mum was always too exhausted and his dad was always _gone_ , and he remembered having to tuck himself into bed every night.

Michael remembers the first time he saw his mum cry, after the angry storm of words and the _fist_ that his father had put through the _wall_ broke her down, and he remembers silently crawling up to where she sat on her bed and climbing into her lap, resting his head on her shoulder because he didn't know what to do, but when he was sad, he always felt better after being cuddled. He remembers hoping that it'd be the same with his mother. He remembers when she buried her face in his hair and slowly stopped _shaking_ , and Michael remembers cuddling with her for a long time and falling asleep in her bed that night, with his tiny arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders. Michael remembers how his father didn't come home that night.

Michael remembers when his dad left. He was seven and was tugging on his shoes to go to school when his father walked down the stairs with a big suitcase packed. Michael remembers being confused. Was his dad going on vacation somewhere? Why hadn't he _told_ him? And Michael remembers when it all clicked into place, when his mom and walked into the hallway to ask Michael if he was ready to go and stifled a sob at the sight go her husband getting ready to leave. Michael remembers standing and straightening his back to his full height, marching up and standing right in front of his dad. "I hate you," he remembers saying as angrily as he could muster, "you hurt my mum. I _hate_ you." Michael remembers how his dad stared down at him with a forced blank expression for a few minutes before shrugging and turning around to towards the door. Michael remembers when his dad's shoulders trembled ever so slightly, like the emotion that he was trying so hard to hold back was filtering out slowly. Michael remembers how his mom let out a a quiet sob from behind him and he turned around immediately, rushing up to her and wrapping his little arms around her legs, burying his face in her tummy. He remembers when he heard the door click shut behind them and he cried out a little, pathetic whimper, trying to hold back the tears he streamed down his face (Michael remembers failing to do so).

Michael remembers not wanting to go to school that day because his mum was _sad_ and his dad was _gone_ and he couldn't go to school because he didn't want his classmates to see him _cry_. Michael remembers how his mum brushed his hair back with shaky fingers and murmured "please be good, baby bear. I _need_ you to be good," and Michael remembers giving in and picking up his backpack, letting his mom hold his hand as she walked him to school in the way he hadn't in forever because he was "seven, mummy! I'm not a baby anymore!"

Michael remembers starting to cry when he walked into class that day, because it was career day with everyone's parents and Michael's dad was supposed to come in and he didn't, he _left_ instead, and Michael remembers dropping his backpack in the doorway and all but _running_ out the door. Michael remembers curling up in a ball in the hallway and crying, gasping breathlessly as he struggled to get air into his lungs. Michael remembered feeling _trapped_ , like he was inside a nightmare and there was no way out, and he could barely _remember_ the last time his parents had cuddled him or his dad had helped him with his maths homework or played with him on the little train track patterned carpet that Michael used to love. Michael couldn't remember the last time his family had felt _whole_.

Michael remembered when someone took his tiny hand in their own, and he remembers when his looked up timidly, straight into the chocolatey brown eyes of _Calum Hood._ Michael remembered when Calum's free hand came up to Michael's cheek and brushed the tears from his eyes gently, and Michael remembers relaxing into it because, even though he'd never really _spoken_ to Calum, the other boy was being so _nice_ and Michael felt safe with him there. He remembered when Calum opened his arms widely and Michael positively _melted_ into the hug, and how Calum had murmured "it's okay, Michael," to him and how, slowly, Michael had stopped crying. He remembered when Calum had taken his hand after a while and the walked back to the classroom together, and how Calum hadn't brought one of his parents in either that day, and Michael felt better because now he wasn't _alone_.

Michael remembers how, after that, things slowly started to get better. He and Calum were, as Calum had put it " _bestest friends forever friends_ ". Michael remembers feeling truly happy again because he had Calum, who would cuddle him if he was sad and kiss his nose and hold his hands and laugh at all of his silly jokes. He remembers how he and Calum would curl up together beneath Michael's Pokemon comforter and Calum would hold Michael delicately in his arms and kiss Michael's forehead gently before he fell asleep, and how it was never, _ever_ weird between them because they were _best friends_ and best friends could do that, right?

Michael remembers when he started to think that he was wrong.

He remembers when he and Calum were in fourth grade, walking around the schoolyard hand-in-hand, when a group of older boys walked up to them. He remembers when one of the boys grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him, and how Calum was shouting at them to "leave Mikey alone!" and how the boys were shouting things at them that Michael didn't understand as they pushed Calum to the ground as well.

Michael remembers when the boys _spat_ on them.

He remembers the tears that welled up in his eyes when he looked at Cal, and his best friend was crying too, even as he reached out to take Michael's hand in his own again. Michael remembers how Calum's face had fell when Michael recoiled like Cal's touch had _burned_ him, and how sad Calum looked as Michael stood up and ran away.

Michael remembers how that was the beginning of the end.

He remembers how he stopped speaking to Calum, how he avoided him for almost a _year_ , and how it hurt so badly because he could see Calum slowly building himself back up while Michael was still _broken_.

He remembers when he say Calum and _Luke Hemmings_ sitting in the spot that used to be _Calum and Michael's_ , and how he cried himself to sleep every night for a _week_ afterwards.

Michael remembers the first time he ever hurt himself. It was seventh grade, almost three years since those boys had spat on him and Calum, and called them names that Michael finally understood (he wished he still didn't). He remembers how he'd seen a razor in his mum's bathroom, and how it reminded him of the time that he'd been playing round with him mom's belongings and accidentally cut his thumb, and how it had hurt a lot, and how Calum had kissed it better the next day. Michael remembers grabbing the razor and smashing it apart in his bathroom to get the blades, and how he wasn't really sure what to expect but feeling like he needed to try, because he had felt numb for too long and it scared him because he didn't want to forget how to _feel_.

Michael remembers how it stung even though it hardly bled, and he remembers feeling extremely guilty as he went downstairs to kiss him mom goodnight. He remembers the next day in gym when Luke Hemmings had accidentally grabbed his arm and he cried out, and how Luke had frowned as Michael recoiled before looking at him with _understanding_ shining in his eyes before jogging over to Calum and whispering something to him. Michael remembers how he'd run off the field, ignoring his P.E. teacher shouting at him to "get your ass back here, Clifford!", and locked himself into one of the bathroom stalls. He remembers how the bathroom door had been flung open by a frantic Calum, who called out desperately for Michael to "come here, Mikey, please," and Michael remembers how he couldn't keep quiet anymore, gasping out broken sobs as Calum pounded on the stall door and begging for Michael to open it. Michael remembered how Luke had entered shortly after Calum, speaking to him in quiet words that Michael couldn't make out over his own wailing.

He remembered how Calum's begging had stopped and there was a bit of scuffling before Calum's stupid, brown head had popped into Michael's line of sight from above the wall that separated two stalls. Michael remembered how Calum had gracelessly climbed over the wall and into Michael's stall, almost falling to the floor a few times before dropping down and sitting beside Michael on the floor. Michael remembers how he'd simply stared at Calum for a solid 3 minutes before Cal wordlessly reached for Michael's arm, looking up into Michael's eyes cautiously as he gently pulled up the sleeve of Michael's gym sweater, and Michael remembered how he gasped but didn't recoil as Calum trailed his fingers over the few red, angry cuts scattered there, leaning down to brush his lips softly over Michael's broken skin. Michael remembered how Cal had pulled back from Michael, just a bit, and pulled back his own sleeve, revealing the faded white scars on the inside of his wrist, and Michael had surged forwards to hug him, burying his face in his best friend's shoulder. And Michael remembers when Cal had pulled away from Michael's hug, looking at him timidly before brushing their lips together softly, and it wasn't weird or gross or scary like Michael had always thought that kissing a boy would be. He remembered thinking that it was because he was kissing _Calum_ , and how it had never, _ever_ been weird with Calum because they _loved_ each other. To Michael, Calum was _home_.

Michael remembers how, slowly but surely, things started to get better again. He remembers how Calum had stayed over that night, and how surprised Michael's mum was to see the tanned boy because Michael hadn't had him over in ages, and Michael remembers how they'd shared kisses that night as they huddled under Michael's comforter like they used to. Michael remembers feeling like it wasn't _quite_ the same, because he did't have that Pokemon comforter anymore and he and Calum were kissing each other on the _lips_ now, which they'd _never_ used to do before because they were scared.

Michael remembers how Calum had helped Michael tell his mom about everything the next day, from the time that those boys had spat on him to the cuts on his wrist from just a few nights ago. Michael remembers how his mom's eyes had welled up with tears as she pulled him into her arms and held him close for a while before dong the same to Calum. Michael remembers how he heard Calum's broken whimper of "I just want him to be _h-happy_." and how he'd wrapped his arms around his mom and boyfriend (Michael remembers how they made it official earlier that morning, while they were still curled up together in Michael's bed) and held them close, crying into Calum's shoulder blade. Michael remembers how, from then on, he was never found without Calum.

He remembers how, more often than not, Calum spent the nights at his house, and how Calum would help him set the table for dinner and would sit down and watch evening television with Michael and his mom and how Cal would curl up behind Michael in his bed at night, with his chest plastered to Michael's back.

Michael remembered how Calum had slowly coaxed Michael into being friends with Luke, and how he and Luke had had a lot in common. He remembered how Luke would start coming around to Michael's to hang out with him and Cal, and how the blond boy wasn't even freaked out or disgusted when Michael and Calum would kiss and hold each other's hands and cuddle. Michael remembers feeling content for the fist time in nearly seven years.

Michael remembers when Luke's YouTube channel had come to light one spring afternoon, and how Michael and Calum had sat in the kitchen and watched their friend's videos until Luke had come over, his face flushing bright red when he realized what the pair was watching and insisting that they "stop, oh my god, that is so embarrassing." Michael remembers how he and Calum had teased Luke and begged to be in one of his videos, aggressively cuddling the blond until he gave in.

Michael remembers how that was when everything had spun out of control in the best way.

Soon, the videos they made were getting tens of thousands of views and they were picking up gigs at random seedy bars and public stages. Michael remembers how he'd essentially pestered his old friend Ashton into drumming for them, and now Ash was a vital part of their band, which Michael had named _'5 Seconds of Sum_ _mer'_ one night while he laid awake in Calum's arms.

Michael remembered how things had picked up like crazy, and soon they were opening for _One Direction_ , and admittedly, Michael didn't really like their music but they were still the biggest boyband in the _world_ and this was the _chance of a lifetime_.

He remembered how it got easier, but still a bit harder. He remembers how he wasn't really able to be with Calum as a couple in public, because their management had said that they couldn't, and Michael had been so upset by that that he'd cried himself to sleep in Calum's arms. Michael also remembers how, the night after that, Calum had mouthed _"fuck it"_ to Michael and kissed him, _hard_ , right up on stage in front of tens of thousands. Michael remembers how their management wasn't pleased, but Michael didn't care because he had had _Calum_ , and Calum made _everything_ better.

Michael remembered how many times the fans that they met had asked them to kiss, and Michael flushed bright pink every time but still did it, kind of because he wanted to please his fans but mostly because he liked kissing Calum. Michael remembers being _happy._

Michael remembers the first time they'd ever made love, in a hotel room in Paris. He remembers how Calum had treated him so gently, touching him softly, as if he was afraid Michael would break. Michael remembers how beautiful Calum sounded, and how good it felt to be so connected to the  _great love of his life_ , and how Calum had surrounded Michael like that, inside him, arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders, and how much Calum had seemed to love everything that Michael did; the way he sounded and how his fingers gripped Calum's strong arms tightly and how he'd wrapped his long, pale legs around Calum's waist when they kept slipping on the bedsheets. Michael remembers how he'd cried afterwards, and how Calum had held him tightly and kissed the top of his head as he let Michael wrap his head around everything that had happened. Michael remembers how worried Cal looked when he stared into Michael's eyes and timidly asked him if he regretted what they did, and Michael had kissed Calum harder than he ever had and told him no, he didn't regret a single thing.

Michael remembers how, a full fourteen years after meeting Calum, Cal had gotten down on one knee during _Jet Black Heart_ and proposed to Michael with a silver ring inlaid with black diamonds, and how the entire stadium had gone mad Michael had speechlessly nodded _yes._

And Michael remembers how, about a year later, his mom was tightening up the tie that he had on, which matched his hair, which matched the flowers which were Calum's favourite shade of blue, and Michael was glancing down at the ring on his finger, nervous and excited, and he remembers how his heart was hammering violently in his chest when Luke had come to the door to tell him that it was time.

Michael remembers threading his arms through Luke's on one side and his mother's on the other, and when the door open and Michael saw Calum standing at the end of the aisle, and it felt like Michael was finally _whole._

**Author's Note:**

> Comment if you liked it?


End file.
